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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
 
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
 
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
 
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
 
Life is sexually transmitted.
 
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see 'em tumble down the stairs.
 
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
 
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
 
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
 
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
 
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
 
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
 
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
 
Ahh, the joy of email spam from people you actually know!

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND (apparently!)

10. Cats' facial expressions. (cat's don't have facial expressions)
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours. (not shoes, cardigans perhaps)
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. (no, they're very dull food)
7. Fat clothes. (is there any other sort?!)
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. (ah, I don't drive, so... pass)
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. (there's a difference??!)
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. (I've always found letting it grow is the best way)
3. Eyelash curlers. (they scare me)
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. (no, not inaccuracy, merely the work of the devil, or some other evil entity)

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN (this is where the theory all falls down, as my brain isn't wired up to understand other women, and I am, I've checked, female.)

Frankly, this is bollocks.

On the ghost hunting nonsense t'other day, several times various peeps were convinced they could periodically smell a floral scent in a few rooms, nothing specific apart from one person who smelt lily of the valley. I may have been quiet throughout the night, but I was busy keeping my eyes open and having a good look around me, even in the dark. I noticed many of these plug air fresheners, I'm guessing no one else did, and that perhaps the owner, who nodding and agreed with every "paranormal" sensation experience, had also forgotten what was in her own house.

What is with these horrible things? Why does everyone have to make their homes smell like something else? Ok, so wet dog or eau du fag end aren't appalling aromas to hit you as you walk into your own or someone else's home, but is pumping nasty chemicals of artificial scent really the best way of dealing with the situation? What about throwing away one's hard earned, or not so hard earned, cash on fresh flowers? They look really nice and smell wonderful too, if you pick the right sort*. Far more cheering and environmentally friendly than electricity-sapping plug-ins, whether they puff or not, or sprays.

Ewww, this is just nasty:

*Course they're not so great if they've travelled many, many miles to get to you, nor so if they've been produced in a way that is detrimental to the local environment, workers, etc, as is the case with the vast majority of cut flowers in this country.

But then there are problems with the "better" alternative, as the above linked article goes on to explain. Clearly the best way is to grow your own flowers for cutting and enjoying inside your own home. Right, that's just another ideal I've set for myself, another that will be procrastinated about. And now I've got another excuse to add to my list as to why I won't buy flowers for those "special occasions" that are merely a marketing scam, i.e. Valentine's/Mothers/Fathers/Grandparents/My Best Friend Day

You Are 26 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

One day last November, I was asked if I believed in ghosts. I answered no, but I'm kind of willing to investigate the possibility of them, so I got given a "ghost hunting" voucher for my birthday/Christmas present. I'd eventually booked the event for this Saturday night past; I'd put it off due to not wanting to freeze my arse off in some remote part of the country, no danger of that happening anywhere at the moment. Everyone I spoke to beforehand was very excited for me, those same peeps have sounded somewhat disappointed with my report back to them. Clearly I have friends who are believers. And that's the thing about the whole phenomenon. If you are a believer, then nothing in the world is going to dissuade you from thinking that that sound was something paranormal, or a spirit is in contact with you. And likewise if you happen to be sceptical about it all. Absolutely nothing happened to change my mind, thus I'm still highly sceptical.

I don't know what I was expecting apart from something suspicious being emitted from the mouth of the medium, which I definitely got. And as I knew about the Fox sisters, I have never bought into the whole "please knock once for yes..." thing. I've had to put some of experiences into context of how I was feeling: I'd only had approx 3 hours sleep in the last 24; I had several large mugs of coffee during my waking hours proceeding events, including a very strong coffee shortly before arriving at the location which caused unnerving heart palpitations; the ambient temperature was very warm in all the rooms we went into, also, when you stuff a number of bodies into fairly small rooms it's rises a little more, as do the carbon dioxide levels - stuffy rooms and I don't mix. (Many years ago, I had to be helped out of chemistry lesson in which we were only sat down copying stuff off the blackboard, as I was loosing the plot and about ready to faint. If someone had opened a window I'd have been fine and wouldn't have gotten sent home.)

Before any of the vigils, the medium gave a physic workshop, in which we first had draw someone in the room. I haven't done any drawing for a long, long time which was self-evident from my attempts, the face I kept trying to capture of the girl sat opposite me repeatedly starting turning into something of a alien face, so I gave up and kinda cheated by drawing the person behind her, the fact that I could only see his baseball cap, ear, top of his hoodie and nothing of his face had nothing to do with my decision. Then we meditated, with the help of the medium, to become aware of the spirits and to open up our minds. She was telling us to imagine travelling up in a lift and then walking out into place before meeting with and communicating with anyone we met. I didn't even "travel" up. I kind of relaxed a bit and sunk into the comfy chair before abruptly stopping relaxing and letting my very concious mind question what on earth I was doing, and how tired I was feeling, if only she'd shut up I could properly relax. When we "came back", we had to either draw the same person, or someone else, or whatever came to us, be it writing or drawing. Obviously nothing came to me, so I sat there and let my eyes unfocus on the ceiling and then the piece of paper. The paper stayed blank, as did my head. Others drew faces and doors and sensed red brick fireplaces, which just oh so coincidentally, were in the main house. During my zoning out, as I've often done when watching tele when knackered, the medium came over to me and said I had a lot of people with me right now. My aura was full of colour and she explained that I was possibly a good candidate for trance channelling. I nodded and said ok, and suppressed the need to laugh.

The whole setup of a strange location with strange people sat around in the dark is always going to put one on edge, in my case it was the terrifying thought of embarrassing myself. I kept my mouth shut, not for fear of swallowing one of the many flies or moths in the buildings but because I felt a twit in calling out into the dark. And I resolutely refused to join in with any singing, again so as not to embarrass myself. I didn't see anything that could be considered anything other than the hallucination's of a tired brain and eyes. Course, the believers won't believe that and I'm not going to get into a discussion with anyone about the couple of flashes I saw out of the corner of my eye, nor the image of a skull that my mind created in the dark. And as for the noises in the bathroom immediately to my left....

It's been awhile. A long while. I've still nothing of any importance to say. The Jehovah Witnesses did get some of my many and varied thoughts on certain world matters but after such a long period of not using my brain and having no one to discuss such matters with, my views weren't put across as well as they could have. I thought up lots of things to say to them, once I'd shut the door and made myself another cup of tea as the first got cold, nay lukewarm, whilst I was otherwise engaged. I emptied these jumbled and chaotic musings onto my brother, who sat and listened and said nothing in response, for once. But then I doubt he really understood what I was twittering on about. And I used a lot of non words to describe my way of thinking, my theory's which I'm going to commit to the page, real or virtual, some time soon.

My spelling hasn't improved one iota. Thankfully the addition of a decent spell checker as a Firefox extension has eased the embarrassment of shoddy word usage on my part.

Tomorrow I shall be staying awake all night, hopefully not getting rained on and possible getting scared. I shall be in a strange part of the world, doing strange things with other strangers. No, I'm not going dogging. I have some standards, don't know what they quite are, but they are there!